Thursday, February 17, 2005

You can't be satisfied, anyhow.

Listen: Elliott Smith, "A Distorted Reality Is Now A Necessity to Be Free (Demo)"

These days I fluctuate between happiness, thoughtfulness, confusion and complete and utter boredom. I know that sounds perfectly normal for a 21 yr old, but it doesn't stop it from being any less strange. Five years ago I thought that my mind would be in some sort of order by now, that I would have so much more figured out and that things would be less cloudy. I'm just now beginning to really and truly realize that none of this life and extensial baggage is ever going to truly clear up and that I should just shut the fuck up and stop thinking about it, cling on to my metaphorical seat belt and go for the ride. I just think that I'm a much poorer passenger than the average person, less able to cope with the ins and outs of everyday living. Or maybe it's just that I'm much less oblivious and have too much time to think about my foibles.

It seems that I'm at this same juncture every few months and that I am constantly resolving this proverbial IT, this issue of priorities and the past and the future, only to have it to come undone time and time again. It's not that I'm even majorly panicking or anything, it's just a sense of constant gnawing inside of me that manifests itself physically (I am known to grind my teeth when I sleep). I wish that I could just relax like everyone else and learn to live in the moment better instead of constantly worrying. That's all.

On an unrelated note, I'm going to the dentist tomorrow which also freaks me out just a little bit because I haven't gone to one in over 2 years -- the longest I've ever gone without seeing one. I dread being told what crappy condition my teeth are probably in. And I still have 3 wisdom teeth that need to be pulled.

At 21, you are supposed to be fucked up and searching for life's meanings. You should throw yourself into the chaos and enjoy the experience. Tighten that seatbelt, but don't stop fighting for what you want. Your dreams and inspirations will come from some of the most unlikely of sources. Expand your horizons and try something completely new. What do you really have to lose? You are still breathing right? Smile a little crazy smile and make life wonder just a little.
I thought my mind would be in some sort of order by my age as well.

Here's hoping for the next 5 years I guess.

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