Tuesday, November 30, 2004

god only knows.

I spent the majority of my evening eating take out pizza and watching Love Actually which made me cry like a big fat baby because A) I was watching it alone and missing S., who's in New Jersey for the night and B) it's that time of year and the movie takes place during the holiday season too, and all of the feelings that this season brings make me just a touch sensitive, so I guess I'm a typical human being in that respect. Anyways. It's a pretty good film with a universal message but doesn't tie everything up in a neat little package (kind of like real life)--and features Colin Firth, whom I've had a little bit of a fangirl crush on since I saw him in Bridget Jones' Diary & Pride and Prejudice.

Still feel exceedingly lonely tonight. I hate sleeping in an empty house & bed. I may have to resort to letting Buster sleep at my feet tonight. The more time passes the more I realize how much I need love and affection in my life, right in front of me. I hope you all have that too. It's the only thing that keeps me sane anymore. Also: tonight I miss Noodle. But still I feel like she's watching me and that is comforting.

Music: Beck, "It's All In Your Mind"

Saturday, November 27, 2004

This is why events un-nerve me.

I don't want this to be indicative of the past few days, which have been wonderful--spent eating turkey and wrapping gifts and losing at Stratego and Scrabble, but I need to put this down. I need to remember this and what it feels like so I can better insulate myself from sharp tongues and careless advice. Because this morning was bad. Really bad.

First of all: I am never going to see my current doctor again if I can help it. I do not need to be told what a horrible person I am and made to feel as if I am an embrassment to her version of feminism just because I happen to stay home and my husband supports me financially. I don't need to hear the sob story of how your sister got divorced and is now destitute. To be talked down to as if I had never read a goddamn book in my life. I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't need it--I don't need to fit into your mold. I especially don't need to hear all of this while you are poking and prodding in my nether reigons with your rubber gloves and cold surgical instruments.

Second of all: how fucking terrible is it to know someone is wrong but still be affected by their opinion? To cry so hard at the beach you almost throw up. To be so numb after you've gone somewhere where the people are supposed to HELP you and HEAL you. So wrong.

Third of all: after a horrible morning, you happen to run into someone outside of your local corporate department store that you hoped you'd never, ever have to meet. Especially not when your eyes are sore from crying so hard. Ex-girlfriend situations are always awkward.

Fourthly: I am lucky to have someone who will take me out for a good sushi lunch afterwards to make me feel better. Nothing better than raw salmon and tuna to mend what ails you.

I still can't help but feel a little piece of my self-esteem was chipped away today that I can't ever really get back.

It helped though: the lunch. The man who noticed I was staring with glee at his beautiful miniature Australian shepherd and told me I was free to pet the little dog. The Christmas parade that went by, with the white and black spotted horse, adorned with fake reindeer ears askew. The way you held my hand at the coffee shop and kissed me.

Music: the sounds of Uncle Tupelo wafting from downstairs

Monday, November 22, 2004


I'd like to make this water wine, but it's impossible
I've got to get these dishes dry.

One of the best and most understated Pulp songs, ever. I think I've proclaimed my love of Jarvis Cocker on every single one of my former blogs but this one. So there it is!

This morning seems to be a re-hash of all my favourite mid to late 90s brit pop. And now Blur's "The Universal" is playing. Too good for words.

This past weekend I went to see the new Paul Giamatti movie Sideways which I have conflicting feelings about (as it was a very conflicted movie) but would recemmond nonetheless. Vulgar in parts, funny in others, and devastingly serious and sad the rest of the time. And this paragraph does tie into the beginning of this post as wine is obviously a huge motif in the movie.

Music: When in Rome, "The Promise"

Friday, November 19, 2004

Don't turn away in silence.

- For some reason unbeknownst to me listening to "Back on the Chain Gang" by the Pretenders made me cry this morning--in the middle of a walk.

- My 5x7 prints that I ordered from Shutterfly of Noodle are beautiful. There is one of her last Christmas, grinning and with her eyes glowing. And another one, a black and white one, of her at the end of February walking in the back yard, facing the camera. I will frame them and hang them in the living room.

- A third death occurred, impacting my life even though I never knew the person or their family.

- I wish I were better at altering photography. I would make the sky neon blue, because in my mind, that is how it SHOULD look today.

- I feel strangely empty lately and I don't know what to do about it. I think I should get back to working on my other website where I can be even more vague!

Music: Joy Division, "Atmosphere"

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Through the wire.

The sky is the colour of slush today, so I'm looking at photos I took of last night's sunset to make me feel better as this type of weather has the tendency to make me crawl under the sheets which I haven't done anytime before 10pm in a while. I also baked some oatmeal cookies which frankly are wicked good and so I will have to part with them and give them away so I don't eat them all in a sugar high--I've been doing a fairly good job not riding the white horse this entire month and I intend to keep it up, even through the holidays. Anything that I can do to balance out mood swings is good.

Songs I can't stop listening to on the 18th of November in the year 2004:
The Postal Service, "Against all Odds"
Beck, "Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometimes"
The Promise Ring, "Say Goodbye Good"
Sun Kil Moon, "Gentle Moon"
Big Star, "Motel Blues"
Neutral Milk Hotel, "Two-Headed Boy Part 2"

That is all.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

If you see a shadow, there's something there.

I rule, today. Over 75% of my Christmas shopping is complete & it's not even December yet! I won't be stuck at the last minute among the unwashed hordes, trying desparately to pluck that last ironing board cover or dusty box of chocolate off the mostly vacant shelf. In my books that is a reason to celebrate.

And I made a November mix.
And I must make others and mail them out and make good on promises from months ago, before the shit hit the fan.
And, and, and...

(Off topic, but thank you for reading & commenting on this still new blog venture.)

Music: PJ Harvey, "You Come Through"

Monday, November 15, 2004

I put my feet up on the coffee table, I stay up late watching cable.

Strangeness all around, lately.

Friday: I sat in the car in a dark empty parking lot with cold rain pouring down over the windows listening to bad alternative radio while S. went to the wake of an acquaintance's wife.

Saturday: nothing too weird. I ate ribs and walked 3 miles.

Sunday: the kindly old pharmacist took $15 off my order cos my new health card info hasn't gone through.

Today: Reminded me why I never pick up the phone and wait for the answering machine, usually. A telemarketer was soliciting free burial/memorial space for married couples, and sounded very pissed that I wouldn't take her up on the offer. What the fuck?

Oh well. I'm here, alternating listening to the Rolling Stones Let it Bleed (classic! yeah) and Sun Kil Moon's Ghosts of the Great Highway. Both very good. Both matching this odd state of mind that I find myself in.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Snow can wait.

I wrote a poem today just to prove I could. I wrote it because I haven't written in days and it's what I felt was most appropriate to sum up parts of my head, lately. I wrote it because I haven't written a real poem since July. I don't know if it means anything or signals a return back to a more artful form of verbal expression--all I know is, that I am glad I did it. That it felt good and real and made me feel alive once again, and at the same time, like a scientist over a microscopic slide of their brain. I don't particularly care if it's any good, right now.

Yesterday two of my cats knocked over the sugar bowl, shards of tiny glass flew everywhere. Today something similar occured, except this time I was the culprit, accidently knocking over a bowl in the bathroom. I wonder what this means. Glass things so rarely break in this home, so two in two days seems kind of like a strange coincendence.

It's getting colder and colder outside, which I enjoy (and am not sick of, yet.) I like wearing a scarf and a hat and gloves. It feels like a costume and pleases me in some strange way that I can't fully explain. Soon! I will buy some new boots. Anything but these overexposed things.

Ruby Tuesday is slowly healing from her surgery and is back to crawling on the television set, which pleases me more than anything else.

Music: Explosions in the Sky, "The Moon is Down"

Monday, November 08, 2004

A better dream job you could never find.

- receiving cute, hilarious naked baby pictures via mail of S.
- better sunsets with the cold, windy air

- Ruby Tuesday is away from home for the night. It was finally time to get my little Abyssinian spayed.

Music: The Delgados, "Coming in from the Cold"

Friday, November 05, 2004

Close to modern.

Drove around a lot today, the wind was amazingly forceful today, causing the clouds to scatter in every direction. Good things: lunch at the Publick House, unexpected phone calls, going to our new favourite used book store--I bought Nine Stories (Salinger), Jitterbug Perfume (Robbins) and These Demented Lands (Warner). I even found a used copy of French Kicks' album One Time Bells and for $8 I couldn't not buy it. I like it very much so far, I may have to pick up the latest one as well. On these pretty days, I really couldn't demand any more than what is right in front of me.

Music: the aforementioned French Kicks album

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Rented Rooms: Mini Mix #1

November, autumnal, dreamy. Preparing for the cold.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

I don't wanna vote for your president.

So I guess it would be pretty redundant at this point to express how much the election results disappointed me, but they did. I really don't know what goes on in people's minds to vote someone into office who is so obviously bent on destroying the world. I'm really full of rage and sadness today, but there is nothing that can be done but to move on and live your life. Still. My belief in the essential goodness of people really took a blow today. I am scared for the world, but at the same time, I still want to believe that things will work out ok eventually, provided people don't give up and keep defending their basic human rights.

I'm not going to talk about politics on here for a while, there are many media sources that are probably going to be much better at that than I am for the next little while.

Music: New Order, "Touched by the Hand of God"

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Got a one way ticket, the moon is shining bright.

The Japanese maples at the end of the block today were so brilliantly illuminated by the afternoon sun that they looked as if they'd caught a dark red fire; the election makes me nervous but I'm still hopeful; in a couple of weeks there'll be snow and change (please please please); my feet ache with satisfaction from long daily walks; I have a small new pile of CDs to listen to (including the Arcade Fire, finally, no more mp3s); and still, still, things should get better--in the world and otherwise. Cross my fingers.

Please do vote today if you are an American citizen. I'll be accompanying my husband this evening to the polls.

Music: Mercury Rev, "Hudson Line"
(Mercury Rev reminds me of autumn almost more than any other band, except the Smiths.)

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