Friday, October 29, 2004

There's nowhere left to hide.

Today I feel restless and sad for no particular reason. I have a feeling it was triggered by finishing reading The Perks Of Being A Wallflower for the second time in my life; it always seems to leave me with an acrid taste in my mouth as it brings up the whole idea of confronting your past and talking about it in order to move on with the future and participate in your day-to-day life--which, as someone prone to bouts of depression knows, is a hard thing to think about or even apply to your day to day living. I think it made me sadder than the first time I read it, which is sad in and of itself, because it's a young adult book, and the first time I read it, I was still technically a young adult. I just find it strange that I'm even more so affected by it now when I'm past the ages of all the characters in the book. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in an eternal adolescent time warp which is sort of odd; by all standards I'm pretty much done with adolescenece. But it's the little things y'know? Like still caring about the holidays and playing board games and small things like that.

I am however glad that the leaves are on the ground (crunchy beneath my feet and my dog's paws) and looking forward to the Halloween weekend and all the little seasonal things that can only be done once a year--carving a pumpkin, making up little treat bags, wearing my pretend kitten ears, etc. I hope whoever's reading this has a good Halloween.

PS. I am thinking about incorporating more mp3s and music writing in this blog. Yay or nay? Please respond.

Music: Muse, "Sing For Absolution"

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Lately you seem like another language.

I'll still be around, just like you said.

Back for a bit. The ferry was really frickin' cold yesterday, not so bad today. If you ever want a sure fire way to wake yourself up, stand on the top deck and let the morning wind blow you back.

I may not be going to Pennsylvania tomorrow, there's a good chance I'll stay home. Things get so out of sorts when we're not here, the pets go nuts and dirt accumulates in surprisingly large increments. Note to self: do not leave butter dish out. Do not leave boxes of dog biscuits or bags of cat food unsecured. These will be torn open and eaten and you'll have to take another trip to Wal-Mart, which you hate doing. We shall see.

Hotel bed was surprisingly comfortable, the room was pretty and the bathroom was big, which is what I lust for: a bathroom big enough to scatter things around in and not close it up. Marble counter-tops! It's good to pretend, if only for a little while.

Pictures later, maybe.

Music: Earlimart, "We Drink on the Job"

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Underachievers, please try harder.

This week:
Monday (leaving Tuesday): Connecticut.
Wednesday (leaving Thursday): Pennsylvania.

Last two weeks have been overwhelming to say the least. My eyes & head hurt, my thoughts are tired. All the time. Like a merry go-round. When I get back? Time to start focusing on feeling better and not being so out of my mind all the time. It's really getting old, feeling out of control. It's really getting old, feeling sad.

Music: Camera Obscura, "Suspended From Class"

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Get me away from here, I'm dying.

Last night, while sitting in a crappy movie theater that obviously hadn't been updated since the 1950s (not very well preserved), watching I <3 Huckabees, I realized that I still stick by my theory that people should really read a movie review of the film they're going to see before they go and drop the requisite $9 on it. Two people walked out during the middle of the film (I'd seen this happen at another movie theater once at a viewing of Monster) and once the end credits started rolling, a man 2 rows behind us said in disgust, "Well, that was STUPID." While not being a perfect film by any means, I <3 Huckabees had a couple of great ideas/moments contained in it, and is far from what I would call stupid. Anyways. This whole walking out in the middle of a movie thing is something I've only ever seen happen in theaters in this geographical area. I wish people would open their minds a little bit more, but that's asking too much.

Today it was so cold I wore a laplander (bright orange, with a pom-pom on top). A laplander! In October! I thought it was supposed to be warmer in LI than in Southern Ontario. I've also come to the conclusion that you can't call yourself a thrift store if you're selling $200 sweatshirts. Only in the Hamptons people, only in the Hamptons.

Music: Belle & Sebastian, "Me and the Major"

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

I'm stuck here waiting for a passing feeling.

Tonight I feel trapped by the lack of possibility here--this town is coming like a ghost town and I cannot for the life of me understand how anyone could possibly be happy in a cultureless void. If it weren't for the ocean, I might as well be in Kansas. Everything's so expensive, you can't even get a cup of coffee for a dollar. I know it's not like this everywhere, even the stores & restaurants in Saratoga were cheaper, and so much more interesting. I've excavated everything and I'm left with nothing but my bird feeder, my falling down house and miles of parking lots to keep me occupied. It's not supposed to be like this, it's not like this everywhere, but already other places seem like things I encountered in dreams. I don't know what I need anymore, but it's not this. The pitfalls of adulthood! I cannot express my frustration fully. If it weren't for music & love, I'd really be nowhere.

I am listening to the new Elliott Smith album and more and more I am beginning to understand (even though I won't ever, fully).

Music: Elliott Smith, "A Passing Feeling"

Monday, October 18, 2004

Everyone who pretended to like me is gone.

We went apple picking (mostly S. picked the apples while I held on to our dog's leash), found a good grocery store to go to that so far is not filled with screaming children, ate a delicious pomegranate, and bought a pumpkin from a roadside farm stand. I'm adjusting to the colder air fairly well, enjoying the solitude that it brings, the silence, the time spent playing copious amounts of Scrabble, assembling 1000 piece puzzles and walking my dog through the autumn leaves. By February, I will be complaining about all of this. Right now it's good and I'm afraid if I say anything else it'll break up.

Tomorrow I'm going to the record store.

Music: The Walkmen, "The Blizzard of '96"

Friday, October 15, 2004

America (Fuck Yeah!)

We went to see Team America: World Police tonight which was totally absurd and fucked up and elicited much laughter. It was exactly what I needed. If the idea of potty-mouthed puppets appeals to you (as it does to me) you probably need to go see this movie.

Now I'm off to go light some good smelling candles and recline into the weekend.

Music: The Streets, "Dry Your Eyes"
(this song may well be my fav. single of 2004.)

Things to listen to when you're down.

Life is sad, life is a bust
All you can do is do what you must.
You do what you must do and you do it well
I'll do it for you, honey baby, can't you tell?

- Bob Dylan, "Buckets of Rain"

This is our song, yeah.

Hold on, you might be perfect.

Lately, it's been grey and gloomy outside so I've been hiding out at home, trying not to be too anti-social. But. I have learned that on bad days flowers and candy can fix a lot. I've also been listening to Earlimart's Treble & Tremble which is also just good enough to help.

Last night I wanted to go see a film but all the theaters were closed. Is this a new phenomenon or is it something particular only to LI? I was really disappointed at the lameness of it, I needed something where I could check my head at the door. Maybe tonight.

Music: Earlimart, "Heaven Adores You"

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

I better stop now before I start crying.

If you haven't heard it already, Elliott Smith's Twilight has been circulating the net for the past couple of days. It's perfect and beautiful and I am incredibly sad that he's not going to be making anymore records. I still can't get my head fully around that concept.

I highly recemmond you download it and purchase (not just download) from a basement on the hill when it comes out on the 19th of this month.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

A long, strange trip.

This past weekend I have been easing into post-vacation life. And it's been a strange sort of homecoming. As these trips tend to make me do, I've regained an appreciation for my home, the comforts of a firm mattress and being surrounded by my things, and most importantly, my furry beasts (as I type this, there's a grey cat laying in the crook of my arm. Such an admission makes me sound very lame, but this is the least of my concerns right now). Things have been bittersweet too--we picked up Noodle's ashes yesterday afternoon, after shopping at the local Target, with the sky bluer than you could imagine, the traffic humming, the sound of commerce in bloom. It was harder than I thought it would be. I didn't think I would cry, but I did. (Going to the ocean afterwards helped.) I've come to terms with her death, but coming to terms with having a somewhat 'normal' life again is harder. Things are quiet.

I've been meaning to make a post about the trip though, and this was the intent when I first started typing this. So I will say this: the trip was strange and a lot more emotional than I thought it would be. It didn't help that I had a bad cold the whole time--the effects of which are still lingering a bit. And meeting distant in-laws and trying to explain myself, justify my existence in their relative's life is not a simple thing, since I'm not the typical 20-something. I don't fit into any categories. Even more difficult to explain is the fact that mostly, I like who I am, where I am at in my life. It's almost as if people expect me to be dissatisfied, but in spite of it all, I am mostly satisfied. Saratoga was a cool town, seeing S. read at Caffe Lena even cooler.

Today I was happy just to shop for groceries, settle into our ratty old couch with a pot of tea and the New York Times on my coffee table. It's not everyday that I'm content to just sit, so I'm just going to enjoy this moment, before the inevitable post-travelling depression settles in.

Music: South, "What I Find"

Friday, October 08, 2004

Saratoga, NY.

Let's move to the country.

In & around the rural areas of the capital district. (Scroll over for descriptions of the photos.)

a shot of part of the property we stayed on.

eerily reminiscent of the logo for Six Feet Under.

one of those wagons where they store hay.  yeah.

creepy rusted out bike in an equally creepy barn filled with all sorts of odd things.

Maya, my grandma-in-law's kitty, who looks a bit like an older Ruby Tuesday

Kiefer, the dog whom I fell in love with and spoiled beyond repair with beef jerky, doughnut holes, and teddy grahams.


old barn windows, obviously.

a more in-depth look at the barn

last barn shot, I promise

our bedroom window overlooked this slimy green pond, as well as a small footbridge, not pictured

the final sunset of our trip

Music: The Thrills, "The Curse of Comfort"

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